Friday, January 9, 2015

Internalized homophobia?

So I use whisper, it's an app a lot like secret but seems to be much less rigged towards the bitter mean gays  than secret,  and I came across the post pictured. I couldn't help but feel sad for the poster.  The post obviously comes from the same line of thought as the straight  persons attitude of "I don't care just don't shove it down my throat" all the meanwhile they have pictures of their  opposite sex significant other on their desk and talk about their straight life etc etc every single day. To accept that combination of situations is to accept that being gay is at least less than if not full on wrong. To claim it under the guise of privacy  or "bedroom activities" is just mental gymnastics.  My husband is my husband and my boyfriends are my boyfriends outside of when we're having sex, I share my entire life with them so I'm not going to edit them out of my life when talking to straight friends or coworkers. To do so would be inauthentic.  Yes I had a previous blog post about being different levels of out, but since then I posted a link to my column on my Facebook, and left it open to coworkers  who are Facebook  friends. If they don't know it's because they don't want to which is on them, not me.

Monday, January 5, 2015

"out of the closet" Poly.

::note - not sure where I was going with this, but its still of interest to me, maybe I'll find direction for it later::
I Came out as gay to my parents at 20. It was catastrophic - for about 3 days. During those 3 days I was kicked out (at the end of the semester), disowned, and fired (My part time job was working for my mom).  After a couple days, and both of us talking both to each other and to a counselor we knew personally, things got better.  Coming out as Poly to her was a bit weirder, but much less dramatic. Without knowing tab a slot b kind of details, she is fully aware of  my relationship with all 3 of my guys, and their relationships with each other.   We have never discussed, nor do I intend to, that we are also open. Obviously, a certain amount of openness has to occur to add more people to a relationship, but we have never discussed these things.  That level of "outness"is not very consistent in my life.
     In the lgbt community, we're about as out with all of the information as we can be. When people I am not even vaguely acquainted with can tell you that the 4 of us live together but we all sleep around, I think we're "out". I usually take some minor offense at being told I sleep around, as none of the 4 of us seem to have very many extracurricular encounters, even though we do allow them.
     At work, I'm totally out but as out of your face about being gay as I can be, but being poly? in an open relationship? I'm a little bit more conservative than that. I refer to "the guys"either by name, or "the guys". Pretty much everyone knows I've been with "The Bear"for years, and most people know that "The Cub"has lived with us for several (nearing 6) years.  If people who don't know "The Boy" when I mention him ask who he is, I generally say he's a guy who lives with us, and leave it at that. Is that unfair to them? Neither of them are even completely out about being gay at work, so it's not a big deal, but it's still something I think about anytime someone asks me who one of them is.  There are definitely people who know that we're all together, and definitely people who don't, but I don't think any of them know that we "sleep around", as it has so eloquently been put.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Stepping up in the world.

Due to my blog (even though it's in int's infancy), and my input in a Poly group on facebook, I've been asked to write a column for a regional online community 'paper'  http://www.greatlakesden.net/ . I'll probably base the articles on posts here that I will reformat a bit, but there will definitely be posts here that don't get turned into articles, and hopefully articles there that are not posts here.

Thursday, January 1, 2015

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend".

Do people not even look at the preselected form portions or profiles? I am as honest as possible in all of me online profiles, but open quad is not something I've seen as an available option, EVER, so I generally select "open relationship". No, it doesn't tell you that I'm in a 4 man relationship, but is does tell you I am in one, and that I am ALLOWED play. I semi regularly get the "oh you're in a relationship" and then a much cooler reception long after I've been chatting (and possibly flirting) with a guy. Why? Am I the only one who wants to know what's up before it gets that deep? Do they forget? I don't know, but I find it strange.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

it's not a relationship, you're just "roommates who have sex"


**advanced apology - this post is kind of ranty**



I've heard this SO many times that it's not funny, Usually by people who don't even know any of us personally, let alone the inner workings of our relationship.  It would be amusing if it weren't for the fact that this is an IDENTICAL slur thrown at ALL of us in same sex relationships by members of the conservative right. "Two men aren't a marriage, they're just friends having sex." I've even heard the same people argue in the same breath that sex isn't everything in a relationship, and try to use that against those of us in poly relationships.  If even you agree that sex isn't everything in a relationship, why is that the only thing you want to discuss about my relationship? Let's discuss the fact that "The Bear's" 20 year old daughter views me as much a father as her mother's husband (If not moreso) because I've been there for her helping to raise her since I first met her father nearly 15 years ago, or how the cub and the boy have become family to her in the 6 and 1.5 years they've been here.  Let's discuss my mother asking to make sure that none of us are left out in "family" decisions.  Let's discuss the bear's mother referring to all of us as her sons.  How about the way all of us drop everything to help anytime one of us is in real need.  Hospital stays? I might have had to choose between my job and taking care of my mom last year if it weren't for all of the guys.  If those things don't make a relationship, then what does?  I would venture to say that if you could truly get to the heart of they naysayers' arguments, I bet it would come down to being 2 people. period. Just as rigid as the one man one woman argument, just removing gender.
Making sure the boy's younger brother has a decent place to live, and food to eat while he gets on his feet because he was in a shitty situation back home? If it were *JUST* me and the boy in the relationship, I'm sure that would be evidence to the 'realness' of the relationship, but since there are for us I'm sure it's just helping a friend.  Let me assure you, while I will do what I can to help a friend in need, I would NOT put out the kind of cash that we have in the last couple weeks for a friend's brother.


Our relationship, is as much a relationship as any relationship out there, and there is nobody in the world outside of the 4 of us who has any right to say differently.

Monday, December 15, 2014

An observation

Have you ever noticed that those quickest to get judgemental and holier than thou with those of us who are non monogamous seem to be perpetually single?
It seems they can't make couple hood work so obviously triads, quads, and any other non traditional non monogamous configuration must not be a "REAL" relationship and is "wrong".

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

First Post - Who We Are...

So If you read the FULL name of the Blog you get the idea of who we are. This blog will be from the point of view of me. The oldest of the 4 of us.
I'm currently 41, and a Big guy - a BEAR you might say..I lover my time in the gym. but my metabolism would rather hang on to every calorie I've ever known than ever burn off a single one, OK not that bad, but you get the Idea.
I've been with the other "bear" of the household for over 14 years now, he's 40 and a big guy, but unlike me, he's hairy like a bear.
Over the years we dated and/or played with many 'guest stars', until  a bit over 6 years ago we met our  Cubby, and through some bumps, trials, and tribulations he's still here. He's NOW in his mid twenties (just shy of 16 years younger than me, and we get mistaken for brothers all the time, and 'twins' often enough to be disconcerting). And we were a Triad for 4.5 years
And finally, In June of 2013, after 6 months of chasing the 3 of us from a distance, our 'boy' a 20 year old bear "admirer" moved in with us.  A year and a half later, I can't say there aren't still adjustments occurring, but then life is about adjusting on a day to day stream of changes...

SO, if you're interested in reading a bit about our adventures, and/or my point of view about all things gay, open-relationship, polyamory, or who knows what else i'll talk about, feel free to follow.